My whole life I’ve been taking care of everyone else. In taking care of everyone else, guess who I forgot? ME. Self care has always been a struggle for me. How am I going to have time for myself if I’m busy taking care of others?
As I’ve been on this rollercoaster of a healing journey it has become quite apparent to me that the role of caretaker and fixer are just that, roles. Yes I’ve taken ownership of these roles for so long that it took deep Yoga stretches to really shake up thoughts and feelings from deep within.
I do have to take a minute and give myself some credit. When I was in college, I gave myself a spa day once a week, exercised and yoga was part of that exercise routine. I remember being a lot more flexible than I am now. Life happened. I got busy and these small gestures of self-care went away. This year I decided I was going to start yoga again. I’m currently doing this 30 day yoga challenge (thank you Prime Video) and it’s a good thing I’m doing this at home. My muscles are tight. Really really tight. I’m falling over like a tree in tree pose and getting a reality check of how much I’ve neglected my body.
The thing I wasn’t ready for when I start this challenge was all the emotional purging. Now that I am a more spiritually open person, I now understand the value of yoga. The whole body connection is powerful. Connecting my breath, focusing and balancing, feeling the renewed energy flowing through my body really centers me and allows me to feel freer.
I was completely unaware of how much emotion was trapped in my hips until I started doing hip stretches. The tightness and burning have been difficult enough. Then lies the stillness of the breath. The longer I hold hip stretches the more I feel emotions start to bubble up. Sometimes I cry or it morphs into an ugly cry. A few days ago I experienced something very different.
I GOT ANGRY.
I was so angry at all the men who violated me. I was so angry at my parents labeling me as a fixer and caretaker. I was so angry at all the expectations that I put on myself. In that moment of being angry I realized I can make another choice. People were only expecting me to be a certain way because that was the perception of me that I showed them. I demonstrated often that I will stop whatever I’m doing to turn my attention and focus onto someone else’s wants and needs.
NO MORE.
I have a right to take care of myself . In taking care of myself, I will be able to be more present with my family. Showing my girls self-care teaches them the importance of taking care of themselves. I encourage my girls to practice yoga with me. Sometimes they do and sometimes they struggle with the challenging positions and give up. What they know for sure is if mom is doing yoga then you better be quiet and give her that time.
Purging all these old and ugly emotions is not fun but a blessing. My body is ready to let them go. I know the more I honor and release these feelings, I will be able to go deeper into each yoga pose, stand taller and stronger in tree pose and my mind, body, spirit connection will resonate at a much higher frequency.
Embrace The Challenge. Embrace You. You Are Worth It.
