It’s crazy to think that 8 years ago, May 22, 2011, I was in the hospital. My water just broke the night before, and the doctors were doing everything possible to keep these 26-week old babies inside me for as long as possible.
I was feeling pretty good until that afternoon. I stood up to use the restroom and felt funny. My heart was palpitating. I was nauseated and just did not feel right.
I knew something wasn’t right with my body.
I immediately mentioned it my nurse who talked to the doctor. The doctor was perplexed at first as I did not have a fever. I NEVER get a fever.
“I think you have an infection,” he replied. “We may have to take the babies soon.”
After consulting with several other colleagues, the doctor came back and said, “we have to take them today.” Little did I know at the time that that infection, if not treated soon, could cause me to go septic.
Little did I know that if we waited too long, the girls and I might not survive. I’m so glad this realization happened post emergency c-section.
I just knew within the depths of my being that the girls would be ok. Some people would call that blind faith or inner knowing.
After the epidural didn’t work, I had to be put to sleep. The first thing I wanted to know waking up in the recovery room was,
Are my girls alive?
When we think about childbirth, the first thing that comes to mind is the beautiful idea of birth seen in tv shows and movies. The woman gives birth, and the people in the room are so happy. The baby starts crying, and the nurse hands the baby to the mother to hold. It’s a lovely idea, and for those who have had the experience, I’m sure it was beautiful, and a day you will never forget.
For me, the day I gave birth to my children was one of the most terrifying days of my life. I just wanted to know if they were alive. I couldn’t see them right away. I never got to go to birthing classes or have a baby shower before the babies came. There wasn’t any third trimester or all the things that happen during those last 3 months.
I had to grieve and accept that what most people’s pregnancy experience is, was not mine. I found that I genuinely did not start grieving the entire experience until my daughters were much better medically. It was like as soon as I could finally breathe, I could finally feel.
It can be so easy just to want to stuff those feelings down and ignore them. But I recognized how unhealthy that was. I chose to do and continue to do the healing work to release the fear, trauma, sadness, and blame that I was feeling. It’s hard work.
For a while, I would think to myself, “What did I do wrong?”
“What is wrong with my body that they came so early?”
One of the most challenging lessons to learn in life is self-forgiveness and moving forward. I had to stop blaming myself. I had to make a choice. Stay stuck reliving that traumatic day or focus on what is today.
Today I have two beautiful
kind, loving, caring, and strong little ladies who have such an amazing spirit. I want to focus on that. They are here, and they are alive.
I am so blessed.
If you know someone who has had a nontypical pregnancy and/or birth, reach out and let them know they have support.
Everyone grieves and processes in their own way, and in their own time. Compassion and Empathy are a loving way to support someone going through this process.
If you are someone who has had this experience, forgive yourself and open your heart to feel so that you may begin to heal.
Molly’s Podcast, Soulfessions, is available to listen on her website. You can hear more about her experience giving birth to micro preemies on her podcast. For more of Molly’s services including Soul Movement Coaching/Soul Clearing Sessions, visit the services page on her website.